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Location: Aarhus, Denmark

Friday, March 30, 2007

What are you going to do for us??

The repercussions of traveling always seem to take a toll. I came back to Agdz on a "high".. very excited about all the things accomplished, progress made, prospects of new projects and organizations to work with, follow-up workshops, more presentations in Rabat, etc.

But coming back to my little village, people asked where I had disappeared for so long. To make matters worse, after a couple days' weekend recuperation in my house - just when I was hoping to jump back into my normal schedule here - I was confined to my bed with a stomach flu. So work would have to wait. So here it is, the end of the third week and I've barely shown my face in town. Girls have come by to visit..rumors of my illness spreading; an association came by to request my help on their project; the landlord's wife dropped by to ask where in the world I had been and urged me to "move a little" ... as in, get out of the house. I tried to briefly explain my work over the past couple weeks, and then my sickness in the most recent days. Not sure what she understood but I'm sure it all sounded like excuses.

I went to my host family's house finally, last night. Tried to recount many of the exciting events in Agouim and Rabat. They laughed and smiled, "she's advanced all the way up to the Minister himself!" they told each other. "So please put in a word for us!" They half-jokingly begged. I told them about wonderful Moroccan friends who housed me in Rabat, and spoke fluent English. And then wished I hadn't said it. I was talking to my "family" in Agdz. They were surely comparing in their heads. "Do you like it that they speak fluent English?" Nadia queried. I tried to answer diplomatically that it was a treat, but that I wasn't practicing Arabic. She nodded... "You have forgotten a lot of Arabic." My smiled died. I knew she was right.

I told them I was planning a craft festival in Zagora. My host mother, president of the Neddi, where I've been working, listened quietly. I regretted even mentioning it as I spoke. When she left the room, Nadia asked if the girls from the Neddi could exhibit items at the craft fair. I vaguely assured her they could, but hoped Lakabira wouldn't follow up on that... Frankly speaking, the girls' products are not ready for display yet. I just started working with them months ago and many of their products are still typical of Neddi's all over Morocco.

I went to visit the Ben Mammas family and check on the progress of the hammock. I blabbed on about my workshops with artisans in Tifaltout, again regretting my words. "Well it's been a loooong time since you helped us! What are you going to do for us?" They reprimanded. I tried to explain how the shipping/transport survey work was (at a macro level) intended to help them and all the artisans in the region. But the ideas sounded so hollow, so disengaged from their lives sitting on these dusty berber carpets, hoping for work the next day; another carpet commission, anything. I frowned and asked to see the hammock. Was that not work? Was that not product development?

Walking out of the Internet Cafe earlier in the week (trying to quickly get a few items of business taken care of over email before returning to my bed) I strode past two young guys with barely a word. Normally I'm a rather enthusiastic greeter. "Hey, hey!" They called. "Where did you disappear to?" I turned, smiled and greeted them and tried to again retell the stories and meetings and travels. "I've been to Sefrou and Fes, Rabat and Erfoud, Marakesh, Agouim..." on and on. I could hear myself talking. To anyone listening, I'm sure they would be little convinced of any productive work happening, only a tourist rambling about the countryside. One of the guys was part of the tourist committee in town that I've basically kept abreast of my survey work. They were the group that offered to help and then, four months later told me they could not help if they could not be guaranteed responsibility for a shipping service center in Agdz. So I've worked alone. And I have not mentioned their name to date, to the Ministry of L'artisanat in Rabat... as there seemed no need nor place to mention a particular association. Yet again, I felt I was betraying local friends thought it was not my intention. "When I come back from my meeting with the Minister, I'll let you know what happens!" I promised and turned to go. "Hey wait!" Said the other fellow. "Ina in Zagora tells us there will be a craft fair?" "Oh, yes! We're trying to confirm the exact dates with the Delege this week. I'll let you know when we find out." I am sure he was thinking that I would never have informed him if he hadn't found out from another volunteer in a site 1.5 hours away.

I've begun to realize that most people will never be able to understand one's work... especially when it is varied and involves many different organizations, local and far. I feel guilty and then internally frustrated: "why should I feel guilty that I am neglecting locals when the whole goal of larger projects such as the rural transport research is to help artisans in this region?" I guess these struggles just come with the nature of the work. I never cease to learn more nuances of the life of a Peace Corps volunteer (and I should think many development agencies) ... these enlightening yet challenging, emotional and psychological side affects.

I went home, grabbed my Bible, bowed my head and prayed to God. "Give me wisdom, Lord. Only you know the right paths for my feet to walk in among the many opportunities and expectations of people around me. Let my every effort be guided by Your hand, and not by pressures I put on myself, and compounded by every encounter. My struggles are but busywork if You do not bless and guide."

4 Comments:

Blogger cory said...

Oh man, Rach, that's so right on. thanks for typing all that. You're doing really important, ground-breaking work. keep it up!

10:10 AM  
Blogger Rachel Beach said...

You're always so encouraging, Cory. I certainly appreciate it, thanks!

10:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rachel, you have been on my mind and in my heart! I hope you are feeling alot better. Thank you so much for writing about your unbelievable experiences. You are at the top of "The Most Awesome People Dept". I am praying for God's perfect will for you dear sister- who I feel sooooo blessed to have met and even worked with!
Verse for the day for you- I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Phil 4:13
Remember that when we are weak - He is strong.
Take care of yourself!
Love, one of your new friends for life! - Cheryl Bostwick

5:17 PM  
Blogger Rachel Beach said...

Cheryl,

How wonderful to hear from you ... and such sweet comments. It was certainly a delight to have met you, and I'm continually more and more excited for you as you explore the possibilities of working with the women in Agouim in some way. It seems God led you here... another delightful reason: I got to meet you!

Thank you for your encouraging words and verses. Love, Rachel

3:59 PM  

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