Is having an Ideal ideal?
The family has dispersed. Tabi and I are the last to leave. We head out in the morning after delaying a day.
A question arose during our time together: Is have an ideal picture of a future spouse a good idea? I'll briefly explain the scenario. Half-way through the reunion Dawn decided to call Terrence, her on-again off-again boyfriend to fly out and meet the family. She wanted to get our input. He did. They've all left, but the results are yet to be determined.
If you ask anyone of us, we can easily give you a description of Dawn's ideal guy. Tall, outdoorsy, a bit hippie/naturalish. A bit scruffy, casual, hair on the longer side. Easy-going.
Terrence is a business-man. He is sophisticated, always well-dressed. A black man, shaved head and gotee. Doesn't quite fit the picture. Doesn't seem like they quite fit each other.
There are numerous other details and aspects of a relationship to discuss, but to focus on this one I beg the question: should we have an ideal? Most of my close, married girlfriends have husbands that fit their ideal descriptions very well. But I know many couples who married someone very different from the picture in their head. Can the ideal be an obstacle to meeting a great match, someone who comes in a very unexpected package?
A question arose during our time together: Is have an ideal picture of a future spouse a good idea? I'll briefly explain the scenario. Half-way through the reunion Dawn decided to call Terrence, her on-again off-again boyfriend to fly out and meet the family. She wanted to get our input. He did. They've all left, but the results are yet to be determined.
If you ask anyone of us, we can easily give you a description of Dawn's ideal guy. Tall, outdoorsy, a bit hippie/naturalish. A bit scruffy, casual, hair on the longer side. Easy-going.
Terrence is a business-man. He is sophisticated, always well-dressed. A black man, shaved head and gotee. Doesn't quite fit the picture. Doesn't seem like they quite fit each other.
There are numerous other details and aspects of a relationship to discuss, but to focus on this one I beg the question: should we have an ideal? Most of my close, married girlfriends have husbands that fit their ideal descriptions very well. But I know many couples who married someone very different from the picture in their head. Can the ideal be an obstacle to meeting a great match, someone who comes in a very unexpected package?
posted by Rachel Beach | 1:08 AM
2 Comments:
it's hard for me to think about my ideal...
in many ways, ryan embodies everything that i ever wanted in a husband..sincere, devoted, handsome, fun, faithful, godly. but i don't think i would have envisioned falling in love with someone exactly like him. I used to think, I'd marry someone more reverent? ..serious, predictable, and conservative. but God knew i would have grown to hate that. my life has unfolded a lot differently than i imagined. my ideal is different than i thought it would be, and i'm different than i thought i would be.
I have to say (coming from the male perpective) that a woman having an ideal to live up to is something to be feared.
I think a question is "who determines the ideal mate?" We may believe we know what we want, but many times that is only based on our limited understanding of what is to come in the future. As long as we try to find that specific image, we miss out on the real opportunites that are in front of us.
Our friends and family are not much better. They probably know us better than we think they do, and can probably provide a lot of insight on the person that is right for us, but really, they have the same constraints that we do. Their opinions carry an even greater bias as they want to protect us and for us to be safe.
I think that your final question sums it up. No matter what the situation (whether for our spouse or what we want for breakfast), if we go into a situation with our own preconcieved notions of what would be "right" or "good" we could very well miss out on the "best" option.
But this is coming from the guy who had his girl dropped in his lap. She came outta nowhere and was everything I wanted but nothing I was looking for.
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